Blogger Layouts

Sunday, September 27, 2015

2015 Is Ending, So Does My Heart

Assalamualaikum readers, followers.

Just ignore the title. Sorry for being so like OVER.
But yeah seriously. 2015 has taught me way more than you would know. Things that I personally learned as I progressed.

First, Degree life.
Well sorry for the MIA for so long. Life is so hectic till I wish I can bring instant noodles wherever I go (yeap, I am THAT busy). 
Assignments, projects, deadlines, events. EVERYTHING.
*kano*
Well, as for life, I like it the way it is.
My bestfriend got engaged during National Day and yeah I guess everything else is just like how it was before.

My heart?
Oh you mean the one that I had before?
I think Ive misplaced it somewhere. You see, I have been through hell and back in order to retrieve it, yet failed. As you can see through my posts on instagram, a lot has happened recently. I went to Uniten for a few times (a few? You judge) for a jog (or jogs more like). Yeah. Somehow, I realized that my actions were futile. I realized it now that somehow, as much as I want to retrieve my happiness, being around Uniten is only going to add up to my pain. Although I told everyone "Eh taklah, aku tak sedih pun aku tenang kat sana." but come on, like seriously? I'm not that patient, I'm not that strong.

One day I realized, "buat apa lagi aku pergi sana?" If that person can be happy without me, why can't I? Somehow, I think I have tried my best. Just tell me what is it that I didn't do? 
-I went to that person's house(s)
-I went to that person's campus, hostel.
-I checked everything that is related to that person's life (like a background check).
And the list goes on.......
You know, if you are reading this, you have created a brave Aiman, who is up for anything.
Proabably because I had enough of being broken.
So yeah, I have decided to come closer to nature and love the environment. I have no time to entertain anybody or to have any kinds of relationships.

I. AM. DONE.

Im moving on and Alhamdulillah, I am almost there. 

My target now is to be a better Muslim and to achieve my goals. 

Till then.
P.s:

Monday, January 12, 2015

Coins

Assalamualaikum followers.
Okay today I'm going to talk about coins.
Why?
Okay as you can see, coins have two sides, each having a different image of its own. 
Okay why the hell are you talking about this Aiman? Whats your point? 
Okay.
Its the same like some people.
They are like coins; two faced.
I admit it. I am a nobody.
I don't own a Bentley, BMW, Mercedes with fancy number plates.
I get that. Its just sad when you grew together with some people and realized that they are going after those things.
For instance, people who are being friends with somebody who owns fancy cars, living lavishly without having to worry about money. Going to posh restaurants. It just hurts when the "people" I mentioned earlier, is among my own close friends. Okay lets just name him as Harry (not after Harry Styles okay!)
We grew up together. And as time passes, 
Harry seemed to only look at posessions such as cars, houses, (mainly cars) and started to get all fancy. I introduced Harry to another friend of mine, which shall not be named (or lets just call him Brandon). Okay so I introduced Harry to Brandon and all of is went out for some period of time until Brandon had some issues with me.
And Harry, as somebody who knew me since we were in primary school, 
Went out with Brandon. Behind my back. After he knew what Brandon did to me.

Yes. Epic.

It happened several times and I just came to a conclusion where, 

"Ohh, best friend aku sendiri nak berkawan dengan aku pun macam tak ikhlas. Belakang aku keluar dengan orang yg sakitkan hati aku, yg buat aku jatuh."
 
So a week ago, on Saturday, I decided to take Harry and his friend for a dinner at Klang, and asked Harry to show me where Brandon's house is. When we get to the restaurant, it was closed. So I decided to straight away ask Harry to guide me to go to Brandon's house.
Harry's reaction was like:

"Kau nak buat apa pergi rumah dia? Kau nak buat apa tahu rumah dia kat mana? Kau jangan macam macam la Aiman."

Okay logically, as MY BESTFRIEND, of course I expected you to show me his house. And when we got to this one Taman, he said:

"Okay dalam baris ni ada rumah dia aku tak nak bagitahu mana satu rumah dia sebab aku tahu kau akan datang lagi ke sini."

What? 

Were you afraid that I might jeopardize your friendship with Brandon? 

Do you know how much pain Brandon put me through?

Do you know how much it hurts to see my best friend going out with somebody who had put me through so much pain?


And yet you were both having fun with each other?

Can you see the relation between coins, and my story? 

Yes. Brandon came from a very wealthy family, owns a Bentley, a few BMWs, Mercedes, and lots of other fancy cars with fancy numbers. I don't have all that. I don't drive fancy cars with fancy numbers. Sorry if you have to look at all that to be my friend, because I ain't got any of those (with a ratchet style). I'm living decently and I am thankful for everything that I have. Because why?
Quote:
"Some people are happy with less than what you have."
 So, I came to a conclusion that, time, changes people. 
As time passes, people change. 
Even if the person is your best friend, who grew up together with you.

"Eleh kau ni, takkan tu pun nak terasa kot? Kawan baik kau keluar dengan dia? Relax lah."

You just don't know how it feels. Brandon destroyed my happiness, and my best friend is mingling along with him. 
Yes. 
Get me now? They were out behind my back for several times. Yes.

To Harry, I am sorry if I ever put your friendship with Brandon down, or damaged your rapport with him. I am sorry. Don't worry, I will step back and let you both be friends from now on. You both came from similar backgrounds so you both can really fit in well. Again, I am sorry. 

I don't need a Bentley to be happy. 
Syukur Alhamdulillah I have everything I need. My family, a good health, good circle of friends. Syukur.
Till then.












Friday, January 2, 2015

See Through Me

Assalamualaikum followers!
First lets just wipe all these dust on my blog.
Alhamdulilah it is the New Year! I hope its not too late to wish a happy new year to all of you here. 
And hey guess what I am turning 21 this year, and becoming a Bachelor student. *achievement unlocked* 
Yesterday, I had my blood tested. The doctor took so many blood out of me that I shrunk like literally 0.0001% haha jk jk. After that I went to Masjid Negeri of Selangor to perform Jumu'ah prayer.

If you scroll down to my "definition of "broken"" post, the person mentioned there will be turning one year older on March. 

God. If only it lasted, its nearly a year! But yeah I still can't get over it well slowly but surely (as if I had a choice). 

Anyway, again I'm wishing all of you a happy new year! Have a great and prosperous year ahead of you. 

May Allah bless us all, Amin.
Till then.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

If I stay.

Sometimes, life is just about going through depression, hard times, ups and downs.
What do you know about life huh?
Some things are just unexpected.
Its been 6 months of me being alone.
So far so good. No. That was a lie.
That was alsom a lie. Double negatives.

To be frank, the feeling of being hurt, sometimes gives pleasure.
Yes.
It does sometimes.
Words of wisdom?
It passes. No. It does not.

Beds of roses does not exist.



Just a quick update on my life:
- I'm now a practical teacher.
- Life has been great.
Till then.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Definition of "Broken"

Hello again cruel world. We meet again.
Here are my thoughts after being away for so long.
First things first.
I'm back from Umrah.
Yeap. It was an amazing experience to be closer to The Creator.

Apart from that, things are basically just, normal.
Except for myself.
Coming back, I have a goal; forgetting you.
Yes. The reason I cried so hard while doing my "tawaf" .
I got to admit,
Till today,,
I cant even forget a single glimpse of you.
I still picture "us" being so perfect, far from being broken; like now.
I still want you, well not me, but my heart does.

Can you just imagine myself being me? The one who is going through all sorts of bullshits
Just to get over you?
How I cried every single day, every single night, thinking what went wrong.
I hope things are okay on your side because its definitely not on mine.
I am counting days till I can finally tell myself that youre gone.
To see youre happy without me is just the hardest thing ever but you know what they said
"If your significant someone is happy, then you should also be happy, even if their happiness doesnt include you."
It sounds cliche.
Mothers
Lovers
Sisters
Brothers
Sons
Daughters
We all play a role.

Is it fair to have me as your very last one? Before you turn into being someone new?
When all i ever wanted was to love you; sincerely loving you, only you.
Maybe this is a part of my life, one of the lessons that I have to face.
"IKEA meatball date"? Late night FaceTime before bed? Late night movie date?
Its just a piece of my past, now.

You once promised:
"Hey, sayang, one day, lets raise kids and live here (pointing to a housing area in Mutiara Damansara). I will build and renovate a house for you and the kids, and I want to work hard to live happily with you, because you are a part of my happily ever after"

(Opsss there goes the teardrops on my ipad screen again).

"Aiman, I wont let anyone hurt you."
"Aiman,  you are the best that I ever had, no one ever loved me like you do"
"I love you forever, Aiman."
"No matter what happens, I am here for you and only you."
"My days are way brighter with you."
"Good night love."
"Good morning love"
"I want so sing a song for you, please listen.. "
"Hariku, harus dipenuhi dengan kehadiranmu, sayangku"
"Can I accompany you sleep? I love watching you sleep."
"Sayang, janganlah marah, nanti awak sedih saya nangis."

Our casual fights everytime you knew that I was speeding while driving
That one moment when my car alarm broke down and you panicked
"Pergi beli steering lock! Tak pun pergi repair alarm kereta awak! Nanti after class I''ll get to you.

"Awak, please dont leave me. (Grips my hands) because I dont know how something called 'life' would be if awak tak ada."

BUT NOW, WHY AM I THE WHO IS FACING MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU?
 


When will I receive a morning text like this
 again?
When will I ever be happy again?

(Oh god please stop these tears from flowing again)

As Sara Bareilles said in her hit song Gravity, "here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way that Im supposed to be."

But I'm sorry. I cant stand still.

Im just that weak Aiman, trying to hold on.

Life is just hard for me now.
You are the reason why I really wanna fly off to UK for my degree; main reason.
Macamana?
Apa taknya?
Everytime I go to IKEA, I will see our favourite spot.
Here and there. 
How can I ever survive on being like this, for the rest of my life.
Because why?
You gave me a glimpse of life, of love, that is enough for me to complete my list of wishes in life.
What else do I need?

"Aiman, masa sem cuti lepas, kau lepak dengan dia je, now kau buat apa?"

Thats the thing.
Thats the hardest thing.
We are so near yet so far.

"Aiman, I love you."

Now, that word only exist in my head as fantasies and my phone now gain its peace without having to receive so many texts.

"Broken gila mamat ni."

Yes. Imagine one day, where you lose everything.
A part of yourself, a part of your day.
How are you going to restrain yourself, telling yourself its okay, when its actually not?
How are you, going to live and go through your days, without someone that thinks that you are important in their life as much as you think that they are in yours.
No more whatsapps.
No more "I love you, Iman"
No more "I wanna work hard to live with you"
No more singing along in my car.
Its, 
HARD.

You've  proven me that promises, are meant to be, BROKEN.
And a honest loving heart, only deserves to be BROKEN.
BROKEN is the only way to live after having a glimpse of what I used to call "a perfect life."

This Aiman right here, is wounded, broken, and in severe pain.


May Allah assist me in moving on.
Till then.












Saturday, September 21, 2013

Slow Down Life, It Hurts.

"I just wanna feel your body right next to mine, all night long, baby slow down the song..."
The song have been kept in my playlist since yesterday.

Depression. It should be the title for this entry but nah I'm not going to ruin my day more by writing that as the title of this post.

Being 19. Ask anyone that is 19. They will all give you the same respond. Drama, fakers, lovestruck, false hopes, EVERYTHING.

I am pretty sure being 19 is not the brightest age so far. Growing up, I realize, that some thing doesnt stay under your name and existence. You are no longer the priority of anything. Just you living your own daily life going through your own ups and downs.

Exams, Feelings. They are all mixed up. I think I had enough of this. Somebody managed to tear me up until I am partially heartless, thank you for that.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Lightning.

Dear heart. Why is it so hard for you to make me forget my past.,?? What makes it so special to you.,?? Coz Im tired, tired of thinking about getting over things that I won't get through.