Thursday, June 19, 2014

Definition of "Broken"

Hello again cruel world. We meet again.
Here are my thoughts after being away for so long.
First things first.
I'm back from Umrah.
Yeap. It was an amazing experience to be closer to The Creator.

Apart from that, things are basically just, normal.
Except for myself.
Coming back, I have a goal; forgetting you.
Yes. The reason I cried so hard while doing my "tawaf" .
I got to admit,
Till today,,
I cant even forget a single glimpse of you.
I still picture "us" being so perfect, far from being broken; like now.
I still want you, well not me, but my heart does.

Can you just imagine myself being me? The one who is going through all sorts of bullshits
Just to get over you?
How I cried every single day, every single night, thinking what went wrong.
I hope things are okay on your side because its definitely not on mine.
I am counting days till I can finally tell myself that youre gone.
To see youre happy without me is just the hardest thing ever but you know what they said
"If your significant someone is happy, then you should also be happy, even if their happiness doesnt include you."
It sounds cliche.
We all play a role.

Is it fair to have me as your very last one? Before you turn into being someone new?
When all i ever wanted was to love you; sincerely loving you, only you.
Maybe this is a part of my life, one of the lessons that I have to face.
"IKEA meatball date"? Late night FaceTime before bed? Late night movie date?
Its just a piece of my past, now.

You once promised:
"Hey, sayang, one day, lets raise kids and live here (pointing to a housing area in Mutiara Damansara). I will build and renovate a house for you and the kids, and I want to work hard to live happily with you, because you are a part of my happily ever after"

(Opsss there goes the teardrops on my ipad screen again).

"Aiman, I wont let anyone hurt you."
"Aiman,  you are the best that I ever had, no one ever loved me like you do"
"I love you forever, Aiman."
"No matter what happens, I am here for you and only you."
"My days are way brighter with you."
"Good night love."
"Good morning love"
"I want so sing a song for you, please listen.. "
"Hariku, harus dipenuhi dengan kehadiranmu, sayangku"
"Can I accompany you sleep? I love watching you sleep."
"Sayang, janganlah marah, nanti awak sedih saya nangis."

Our casual fights everytime you knew that I was speeding while driving
That one moment when my car alarm broke down and you panicked
"Pergi beli steering lock! Tak pun pergi repair alarm kereta awak! Nanti after class I''ll get to you.

"Awak, please dont leave me. (Grips my hands) because I dont know how something called 'life' would be if awak tak ada."


When will I receive a morning text like this
When will I ever be happy again?

(Oh god please stop these tears from flowing again)

As Sara Bareilles said in her hit song Gravity, "here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way that Im supposed to be."

But I'm sorry. I cant stand still.

Im just that weak Aiman, trying to hold on.

Life is just hard for me now.
You are the reason why I really wanna fly off to UK for my degree; main reason.
Apa taknya?
Everytime I go to IKEA, I will see our favourite spot.
Here and there. 
How can I ever survive on being like this, for the rest of my life.
Because why?
You gave me a glimpse of life, of love, that is enough for me to complete my list of wishes in life.
What else do I need?

"Aiman, masa sem cuti lepas, kau lepak dengan dia je, now kau buat apa?"

Thats the thing.
Thats the hardest thing.
We are so near yet so far.

"Aiman, I love you."

Now, that word only exist in my head as fantasies and my phone now gain its peace without having to receive so many texts.

"Broken gila mamat ni."

Yes. Imagine one day, where you lose everything.
A part of yourself, a part of your day.
How are you going to restrain yourself, telling yourself its okay, when its actually not?
How are you, going to live and go through your days, without someone that thinks that you are important in their life as much as you think that they are in yours.
No more whatsapps.
No more "I love you, Iman"
No more "I wanna work hard to live with you"
No more singing along in my car.

You've  proven me that promises, are meant to be, BROKEN.
And a honest loving heart, only deserves to be BROKEN.
BROKEN is the only way to live after having a glimpse of what I used to call "a perfect life."

This Aiman right here, is wounded, broken, and in severe pain.

May Allah assist me in moving on.
Till then.


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